Well…. to be totally honest…. the last few months have been quite hard emotionally.
Lots of change in my life as you well know… but quite a few things have been piling up, and I have been letting them pile up. It has been a transitional time, and I was hesitant to look forward.
That is one of the things I have notice is that I have a harder time making decisions, a harder time setting up things in advance. It has not been my nature, but it has worked for me to be very free-flowing. It has allowed many new emotions and feelings to surface. And has allowed me to deal with things just as the come, rather than plan in advance.
So with many big things happening (big to me….), I was simply allowing them to pile up, rather than dealing with them… at least not directly.
My divorce is final now… And although part of me is ready to now look forward and create my new life…. a big part of me still is sad about what I left behind.
Brenda will always be a part of my soul. We had two amazing boys together, we share many many years, lots of stuff happened. She will always be important to me.
One thing I also know is that the picture of my life going forward is now changed forever. A new reality is emerging… and I am not sure what that reality is going to look like. I was putting off building those new thoughts, new dreams, new ideas… and now I realize I have to look forward, and start creating my life.
My relationship with my boys has also changed. They are becoming strong independent young men. They are smart and very capable. I am so proud of who they each are. And now I am looking forward to a new era, a new time with them.
Things are also changing back home in Saskatchewan. I have always farmed. It is a part of my life… it is in my blood. But that too is going to change. The old cannot continue, so I need to look forward and find out what the new way is. Will this be the last year of seeding a crop, or will next year be the last.
Biggest of all is myself, internally and externally.
What do I want to become?
What do I want to do with my life?
Where do I want to live and what does that entail?
Who do I want to be with?
These are questions I have put off answering, but it is time to look forward.
Answers will not come easy, but I know I need to find those answers.
I am actually looking forward to LOOKING FORWARD… 🙂